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Sandy’s Interview and Story/Chapter Eight (excerpt)                                    Identifying Red Flags

“…but it is my weakness for not recognizing the red flags in life. The signs that say,                           
“Look out danger ahead! Stop now because this won’t turn out well for you.” All the
warning signs are there, yet my kindness, care, and consideration of others camouflage
over the other person’s bad intentions. It is like my brain turns off all my warning
signals. I ask myself, “What is wrong with me? Where did my childhood and life
programming get so badly off track that I continue to get this wrong?” Because of it, I
have suffered abuse, heartbreak, and even many times, I have been in fear for my life.”

And she is not alone -  Says Dr. Michael Kollar.

Dr. Michael Kollar, Psychologist, Past President South Carolina Psychological Association, Past Chairman of the Board of Examiners in Psychology, offers this explanation: “A common theme of therapy and evaluations is one can predict future behaviors by observing past actions and behavior. The interviews that Sara conducted for the chapters relating to abuse revealed that just about everyone was aware of their abusers’ ‘red flags’ and yet, because of their history, they were unable to protect themselves. Hopefully, by reading these very personal stories, one can better identify the ‘red flags’ in their lives and find the courage and strength to seek help and discover healing.”

Catherine's Interview and Story/Chapter Fifteen(excerpt)

 When we returned home to our apartment after our honeymoon, he became a totally different person.  Before we were married, he wanted to spend every waking hour with me.  After marriage, he chose not to spend any time together at all.  Instead, he started spending all of his time with his best friend.  He also started to shame me emotionally and verbally.   He told me that he had married a broken person and that he had to try and fix me.  We no longer spent any quality time together.  He was gone almost all of the time, and he would shame me for being selfish if I verbalized being disappointed in his consistent absence.

 He also started complaining that I was lazy and that I never did anything. I was confused as to why he would say this, and I was terribly hurt by the accusation because that simply was not true.  It was not the case at all.   I was feeling desperate to try and find a way to show him how much I was trying to be a good wife for him and how much I really did do.  So, to show him how much I was accomplishing I decided to make a spreadsheet detailing my daily, weekly & monthly chores.  And on top of all that I was working a full-time job.  When he saw the chart and it proved how much I truly was accomplishing instead of him saying good job he flipped it on me.  He turned it all around.

He told me that I was just trying to make him look bad because I had more checkmarks on the spreadsheet than he did.  That I was being disrespectful to him by trying to make myself look better.  That was not my intention at all.  I truly wanted to measure up and show him how hard I was trying.  It never occurred to me even once to try and make myself look good and to make him look bad.  I could not win.  He constantly moved the goalposts on me and there was nothing that I did or could do that was ever right. It was never enough. I felt it was probably never going to be good enough for him.

And there was physical abuse.  I saw his rage, and I knew I was in danger.  I knew he intended to hurt me. 

The following are typical red flags or early physical, emotional, verbal and
financial abuse warnings from the Family & Child Abuse Prevention Center

• Love Bombing (rushing into a relationship too quickly • Lack of Appreciation
• Boundary Crossing • Lack of Communication • Unwillingness to Compromise
• Gaslighting • Inconsistency • Put-Downs • Controlling Behavior • Alienation/Isolation
• Excessive Lying • Jealousy/Accusations of Cheating • Lack of Trust • Hot and Cold Behavior
• History of Abuse in Family

                                                  Taking Action from the start of a relationship
                                                  Women’s Health Magazine (4/26/23)
                                                  Communicate
                                                  Trust Your Gut
                                                  Avoid Being Overly Emotional
                                                  Set Boundaries
                                                  Keep Support Group intact
                                                  Know when to run

                                                Sara Shaw at [email protected]
                                                or visit the web at www.sarashaw.org.com
 

Healing Your Life One Leaf At A Time

One Leaf for Faith, The Second for Hope, The Third for Love, The Fourth for Luck

AVAILABLE ON AMAZON, BARNES & NOBLE & OTHER BOOKSTORES

Customer Review

BookLife

5.0 out of 5 stars A wonderful display of human triumph

Reviewed in the United States on July 23, 2024

First a window and then a door and then the whole house. Once inside you can’t turn away. You move from one room to the next, always wondering how things could be so debilitating. Then you wonder what is hidden upstairs. You creep up one step at time and discover it is even worse. The rooms are filled with heartache and disappointment. And each turn down the hallway you gasp in disbelief that this person's life you are uncovering is filled with hope. And you’re amazed. How can this be? Such tragedy, such abuse, such anguish. But that’s the beauty of Sara Shaw’s wonderful display of human triumph over such horrifying circumstances. Each story related in the book “Healing Your Life One Leaf at a Time,” the interviews and stories are filled with tragic moments but are lifted up in spirit with hope and the belief in God’s grace. That even in the face of evil life is worth living and celebrating.